Thankful for this Body
My body… Well, this is something that’s taken me a very long time to have gratitude for. As seen in the photo above, I was born breach, with an underdeveloped hip and had to be in a body cast for nine months post birth. I suppose the first thing to note and be grateful for is medical knowledge since, without the aid of medical professionals, my mother and myself, might not be here; Had I been born and there was no awareness of my hip issue, I would have walked with one leg longer than the other, yielding far more pain as I grew up.
My birth set the tone. There’s always been some feature to my physical body that wasn’t the norm. I had a Reiki specialist once share that my birth affected far more than just the physical; She told me that birth is the first “hero journey” that a baby takes. That because I was breach and required an emergency C-section, I never got the opportunity to take on my first struggle in life. In terms of personality, this causes severe self doubt and anxiety about being abandoned. It all made so much sense and I do think what she said has merit, when being honest with myself.
However, as I’m now 41 years old, I’m so very thankful for my body. For one thing, I’m happy I was never “normal” physically as it allowed for different perspectives and made me move in very unique ways. I’m also happy that, despite being robbed of a hero quest, everything works for me; I’m able to participate in normal life regardless of the specific challenges. Moreover, as I’ve grown and learned about my abilities, I realize that theres much I can still do. Life isn’t over and medical knowledge is still growing.
How does someone find gratitude for being in Elementary school and having hip pain? For not being able to keep up with adults at an amusement park? For being utterly shamed in the face of peers, when it came to any activity that required running?
It’s hard to look at these times in my past and not feel the pain of my childhood. I wanted so badly to keep up with other kids… Hell, even my parents. I remember a vacation where we went to a ranch and there, they had water skiing. I couldn’t even get a ski on, before a ligament in my knee shifted, causing massive pain and before the activity could even begin, waving the white flag of defeat (and the red flag of warning). I preceded to watch from the dock as my brother and parents skied. (I wasn’t mad that I got left behind, but I was disappointed, in pain and felt inadequate.)
Within the inadequacy, I found my gifts. For one thing, I loved helping others and doing things with my hands. I enjoyed helping my father build things and my mother cook or craft things. I was fascinated and I suppose that there was a part of me that just wanted so badly to be good for something. In this time, my mother really saw a talent for drawing and that’s what solidified my want to do art and be an artist. Right away, I got attention for making art. In Kindergarten, I won a prize for one of my drawings and that was it…I was hooked. This was how I could shine.
I also, was able to do sports that weren’t common, like horseback riding and swimming (as my parents knew I needed to exercise some way.) I’m very grateful for the time spent in the water or on the back of a horse. Both of these activities required a lot of special attention and finances from my parents. It was neat to know that I did activities that so many didn’t do much of, if at all. It was also amazing to have the comfort of being active while not letting a team down. It wasn’t fun for me to be on teams and always be the kid that just couldn’t keep up. The only partner I needed to work with was an animal and as I was always a horse lover, that suited me just fine.
Now, I can’t stress how important my parents are to my body and the appreciation I have for it. For one thing, I can’t imagine what it’s like to be a first time mother, having to go through an emergency surgery and then taking care of a baby. From there, both of my parents took interest in keeping me from getting too sedentary. Since I was often bullied for my inadequacies, I would stress eat and take comfort in food. Again, I was fortunate to have a father that had been a heftier child and he gave me a foundation in nutrition (a thing that I’m so grateful for today, as it’s proven to be a rare knowledge). Both my parents were always active with my brother and I; I’ve witnessed, as I’ve gotten older, that active parents aren’t the world around either.
Today, I can keep up with most. I’m not an athlete but I do enjoy activities. I’m also content with my BMI, even though I’m still considered obese. In the grand scheme, as a 41 year old woman, I’m built pretty good. I have a booty that I’ve never understood the appeal for, but have to say that I’m happy that I have it. I certainly wouldn’t have attracted my current partner without this shape and above that, I happen to be his ideal in a woman physically. Who knew that my experience was the ingredients to a “Frank Frazetta” body (as Rico calls it)?
Regarding my joints: I’m still in pain but it’s moved to my knee. I’m thankful for this pain as it makes me have to watch my weight and exercise (which I could always do more, I’ll admit). Since my legs have always presented issues, I’ve been able to commune and work with some cool specialists in the fields of Orthopedics and Physical Therapy. I actually was told that as far as my body went, I wasn’t as bad off as I could be. Wouldn’t you know that all of those kids that could play teams sports, often wrecked their joints in the process, leaving them far worse off than me?
I also found tattooing as a result of my body image struggle. Combined with art and the service industry (which I grew up in), I found my perfect profession. Tattooing is not only a place I can shine as a practitioner, but an outlet personally, for my own body image.
People wonder often as to why people like or want tattoos. For myself, I needed to know what getting tattooed was before I could really feel good about doing it to others and over all, I found that it presented an opportunity to make my look unique. When you feel inadequate in your skin, you think, “I don’t like what I see and I don’t really feel comfortable with being looked at. What can I do to like the view more or control the way others look at me?” (Yes… it’s about control)
I’m thankful even for my fair skin that could never allow me out in the sun as a kid and afforded me many intense sunburns. In terms of tattooing, fair skin is beautiful and an easy canvas. I can’t sun bathe, so getting color via a tattoo machine, seems a strong substitute. Moreover, because I’m not a sun goddess, my skin retains a youthfulness to it and everyone wants to gleam the secrets of my skin regimen; It’s hard to break it to them that I simply don’t go out in the sun and I don’t get much sun damage as a result. It’s one of those things that is funny to watch because as soon as a person learns the secret to my fair, youthful, skin, covered in vibrant tattoos, you can see them actively rejecting the notion, “What? No sun! No tans? No days on the beach? Sunscreen? I’m not doing that!”
I am super grateful for my body. We’ve had a rare walk together but at least, I could always walk. I don’t have any rare disease or chronic illness. I’m a woman so I’m fortunate that, as much as periods and certain hormones, are apart of the deal, I’ve not had anything too extreme or painful, via my sex. So many of my friends have had rough roads being female. I also had the ability to make babies if I wanted to and was fortunate that I was able to choose not to have them (get my tubes tied). I’ve met so many ladies who wanted kids, but who couldn’t. Or, had kids and had to give them up for adoption because they couldn’t care for them at the time. The nuances of the female experience are vast and I’m very thankful that overall, I’ve always been healthy and average. It’s a sincere blessing and my heart extends to all the women out there that have had a tough go of things with their bodies in this way.
Ahead, the skies the limit. I know that every seven years, the body becomes a whole new body; Every cell has been replaced and what’s left is a whole new human. I know that I have a big role in what’s ahead and that my perception of my body is very important to what the future will yield. I’m going to do my best to stay active and fuel my body with good food. I’m going to continue to seek aid from massage therapists, chiropractors, acupuncturists, physical therapists, orthopedics and other related professionals… All who are people; People who I get the opportunity to meet, work with and feel relevant with. It’s truly magical when I look at how much joy and connection, this body of mine, affords me.
I’m so happy to be here. I’ve always wanted to be an adult. Yes, are there aches and pains? For sure. Now however, most of my peers have body struggles too. Most people didn’t grow up to be a professional athlete or fashion model. Most are average, like me. What I was spared was grief. Most of my peers have had to grieve the loss of youthful metabolisms and energy that wouldn’t quit. (They seem to be bothered by aging.) I never had any of that, so what you don’t have, you don’t miss. I’m grateful I got to experience disappointment so young as it’s paved a road ahead full of hope and wonder. I’m also happy that the friends I made as a child are still the friends I have today. We were all the odd balls who couldn’t do what the other kids did. Some of my friends could keep up physically, but did the wonderful thing of being my friend anyway, simply because they liked my personality.
I’m gonna cherish this body and do myself a favor and focus on all the blessings. It’s not perfect but as my PT told me, I’m not broken. A lot of the challenges have been the product of negative thinking and bad habits. I have all that I need to shift, make better choices and really enjoy what time I have left in this mortal shell. I know that as far as my potential goes, I can do much if I want to change. I know that it could be worse and for many, it is worse. I’m going to keep on pushing, moving, trying, feeling, etc…
Finally, I’m glad that I no longer care about what I look like very much. I care as far as feeling healthy, but I’m not fixed on being the most attractive or the most fit. I love my body and one day, when it’s time for me to leave it here on Earth, I’m going to be so happy that I took the time to honor it. I’m even grateful that it won’t last forever as it will make everything that much more precious and meaningful. It’s a very cool thing.
Note added as of November 16th, 2023: So, I needed to add an amendment to this writing as there has been further information gathered about my special body; Expensive information to attain too ($1,000 in medical charges)! The doctor literally looked at me and said, “I’ve been doing this a long time and I’ve yet to see this! You’re a special case.”
I actually do have a rare illness that conveniently (NOT), the doctors know what it is, but don’t know why it happens or how to stop it from happening. It’s called Synovial Chondromatosis (I know… a mouthful!). Again, I have to express gratitude here. I have the benign version of this affliction and even within the benign version, I seem to be doing better than a lot of folks. I also had the money to get to the diagnosis and have two, really solid doctors, aware of this problem. (Gotta count the blessings where they are found…Praise God!)
To outline it briefly: The synovial tissue is the source of joint lubrication. Synovial Chondromatosis is where there are free floating pieces of cartilage (benign tumors) within the tissue that is suppose to offer ease of movement and joint lubrication. In my case, I have many little, rice size, pieces of cartilage, in my right knee. (The right side of the body is something that another energy specialist informed me, was due to the lack of male support; As the right side is the masculine side of the body. Fun extra info and if you knew more of my story, you’d see how that makes perfect sense too.) So… Where there is suppose to be WD40 for my middle age joints, I have fine grit sand paper.
To date, I cannot kneel on my right knee without extreme pain. I also cannot completely straighten or bend this knee. In a spiritual sense, I find this all kinda humorous. I suppose I could feel like a victim, but I kinda feel deserving. I’ve been a very stubborn person and I think God’s perfect in dishing out lessons; If you spend your life refusing to yield, kneel for what you should supplicate yourself to, God will take your knees. I know that this seems harsh, but it gives me peace and makes me laugh. In some ways, it gives me hope that if I take the next half of my life and give glory to God, perhaps he’ll give me my knees back? One can only hope and in God, there are all possibilities for sure.
The reason why I’m grateful is because I don’t have the huge cartilage deposits that a lot of folks suffering from this, seem to have. I belong to a group on Facebook and get to see and experience the many levels of intensity that this affliction can yield. Many have had multiple surgeries, only to see the issue return, or just get significantly worse. I’m happy I get to know about these poor humans as it gives me the ability to pray for them and send whatever love I can to them. We also share in a very rare affliction that we can continue to explore coping methods, as a group. I doubt Synovial Chondromatosis is gonna get funding anytime soon, so it’s up to us who battle it to come together and try things that offer help.
Please join us in prayer and if you could, after reading this, join the awareness groups. Perhaps with more hearts and minds open to the issue, we’ll be able to conquer this affliction that damns those who have it, with perpetual pain and little hope for change. In advance, I thank you.
